.discloure. - this is a rant... ENJOY!
so tell me,
what is home?
well, me... almost.
its been a while since I blogged, sorry team...like woah, I havent blogged since LAST YEAR! I have had a million things running through my tiny mind this last month of my travels, im a crazy mess! AND I havent ranted on here in ages...its been more of a family blog... here we go...
so this is it, I just spent almost 3 months all by myself, spending hours sometimes days sitting on a bus looking out the window, running from place to place, feeling like im stuck, then running again. I cried my way through memories and tried my best to get over people, and get over things I have done.
.I.made.all.the.peace.I.could.
.I did my part.
I MADE it a new year, I like to think I have a fresh slate, its sad though in a way, because there isnt anything for me back in Calgary, I have no job, I have no boyfriend, I have no friends really, I have no commitments, I have no feelings about anything... no strong feelings for or against anyone...some call me heartless, emotionless, dont get me wrong...
my heart feels better than ever.
.but.
so many things about Calgary still just hurt my head beyond beleif.
right now I feel like im in this ¨fazing out¨ faze... im fazing out, out of sight out of mind, you know? seeing who notices...
ive been evaluating lately...and its sad, but the truth is, people who I thought would be friends forever have just dropped out of my life, some really recently and some really dramatically...
some left on purpose
some just timed out
some moved away
some straight hate me
some because they cant look at me
some because they chose someone else instead of me
some because they thought it was best
some because I wont let them back in completely
some because they dont trust me
some because I hurt them
some because they are just busy and I totally udnerstand that.
I dont resent a single person for any of those things, but the fact is,
.things change.
.people change.
and you have to own up to that, you cant hate someone for what they were ...ill say it again. .PEOPLE.CHANGE.
even if you dont beleive it, dont underestimate, you dont have to be any part of it.
.some people work hard to change themselves around.
.some people go about it different ways.
.some people have to hit that rock at the bottom before they can climb out and say woah, that rock hurts, Im going to try and not hit bottom again...
.some people have to think they found love and then have it taken away to realize who the right one is.
.some people have to really feel like they lost something good, ¨the ONE¨ even, to appreciate something or that one... better.
.some people have to accept that some things, some words, some actions, they cant take back. but still have to move on. and pray for respect and forgiveness.
.some people have to climb, then fall, then climb then fall,
.rinse then repeat, if you get what im saying.
some people are just built like that. they will always make mistakes and cross boundaries.
.LOVE.THEM.ANYWAYS.
I guess all I want when I come back is to feel like people are meeting me for the first time. I know thats not going to happen, but I wish I could just walk up to someone who has seen me at my lowest point, or thinks im pond scum or thinks they know me at all and say...
¨hey, im Rachel, you dont know me yet, you dont know anything about me...want to try and be friends?¨
.I.want.to.come.back.and.re-learn.respect.
im not exactly sure what my next move is. to be perfectly honest, im TERRIFIED to come home. I have a lot of dirt to come back to. somtimes it hits me like a rock that I cant play this run and hide game forever...
BUT
sometimes it hits me that...
.TIME.HEALS. - and maybe Mr. Time just needs a little more.
so the fazing out continues, I hope I dont hurt anyone by doing this, I have been dodging the question about when im coming home...
heck, I could be home now (?)
but really, on purpose... I need to get my head together and stop bieng such a baby... I know that as well as you know it, but the fact is, im ready to be home...but im NOT ready to own up to the mess I left there. sorry guys, as much as we thought it would change...fact is,
Rachels.still.a.runner.
but hey, a REALLY tanned one?
.x.x.
.R.
trst
11 years ago
6 comments:
Lady i LOVE YOU. People do change, life changes, chances change, experience changes, hopes change, goals change. The best you can do is what is right for you, and you move on and then you change again, it never ends it never stops. But I can say one thing. YOU have always been and will always be the most accepting, loving, open hearted, forgiving person I know. xoxox
Leave all worries of your past behind. Tomorrow is another day, and another chance to start your life anew. We are not human beings making a spiritual journey...we are spiritual beings making a human journey. That journey is akin to your actual journeys - you have chosen to have a "time out" ( you call it running away) - now come back to your real life with new enthusiasm, and the knowledge that there are many who love you and many experiences yet to be. Start with hope for the future, the will to meet what it brings, and bring the love, care and wisdom you have gained from your past experiences (which includes the many things you have knowledge about simply because you have traveled) and come home to your friends and family who undoubtedly have missed you.
you are NOT the same person who left. Just the same body (maybe a few scratches or a better tan!).
If YOU decide to be someone different, and the others can't accept the NEW you, pooh pooh on them. You'll be smart enough now to realize that, in the big picture, you didn't want them in your life either.
Pst. I don't care who you are. As long as you can dance! ;)
boobs
Rach you are a beautiful write. When I was reading that I was like "Wow"! I am glad you have been able to go through such amazing experiences and that you feel like a changed person (even though when I knew you 3 years ago I thought you were fabulous, sweet, kind and a wonderful person). But go forward with confidence and stay close to Heavenly Father and He will guide you to where you need to be. Seriously, He will let you know where you need to go. Be patient and continue to enjoy life as well as you have been. I look up to you so much, and it's only through reading your blog. Keep it up girl, I think you're just awesome.
You can start over whenever you are ready to.
People are in your life to learn something from you, or for you to learn something from them. They will only be present for as long as you need them. Sometime they return and sometime they don't. And that's okay.
You just need to be okay with that.
You are still young (as am I) but a lot more people will come in and out with new experiences.
Treasure your past 3 months of travel and keep that with you when you come home. You have probably changed, and in a very good way. You are growing. Know that people are going to be okay with that, and don't alow the past to come back in.
Love you and can't wait to see you.
Leanne
Rach, not sure where we left off, not sure if we can pick up...but the offer is being extended....Come see us, we have a spare bedroom, you can stay a week or more...rekindle a few friendships, find new ones...I remember crazy times, fun times...and you were always special to me...
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