while I was running my 37 in Edmonton last week, I noticed someone wrote on the sidewalk "pain is just fear leaving the body" - I thought...HARDCORE! and kept running.
when I first started running, trying to dominate the hill at my house, I would chant the whole way up - "running is that question mark that is there each and every day and it asks, are you going to be A WIMP? or are you going to be strong today??"
I need a new mantra I think. I'm NOT motivated anymore! GAH!
I cannot seem to get my sorry but in gear. I'm exhausted mentally and physically and really ready for this race to be over. I'm tired of blisters and sore hips, icing knees, shoulders, feet, ankles....ect! I'm tired of the cold weather sapping my motivation, I'm sick of dreading long run's. its been 9 months since I started training, 9 long months! and sometimes I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere! gah! HELP! god's of running...MOTIVATE ME!ha ha ha...
on the home front. I'm trying to keep my head above water right now...if I'm being honest. remember how I was talking about the .BIG.X.? ( I went on an emo tangent on yesterday's blog...) well, He was coming to town this weekend. I had one hundred million emotions about it. mostly, I was excited to see my best friend... after chatting to him a little before he left Utah to come North, we decided that he would call or text or e mail just as soon as he got into Calgary, mostly so I would know he was safe,( im a freak like that...) he told me he was hoping to see me, and missed me a lot...and really, lately, I miss him too...duh!
since then he's been in Calgary, left, and headed off to chase with no word. I feel like an idiot. again. I set myself up. .AGAIN. - he still gets me by a string every time. Big.X. and I didn't have a totally clean record on the cheating end of our relationship, and partying, and alcohol played a big part in the eventual breakdown of our relationship. so as it stands right now. I'm trying to get into my head that .he.doesnt.care.anymore. and maybe he never really did. Its a huge blow to my ego...one I'm having a really...REALLY. hard time getting over. I'm SO self conscious lately. what does the girl he went to see at home in Chase have on me and our long history together? other than the fact that she is gorgeous, young, naive..and hasn't done anything to hurt him yet...
the .WORST.PART. is...I ended this. I didn't want the partying and the "living the dream" and the lack of commitment, and the family hurt anymore, I didn't want to feel like big.X. was marrying me because I wanted it, and my family wanted it, I wanted HIM to really want it, not talk himself into it being a good idea. he told me after we broke up "Rachel, I want you to know that if you hadn't stopped this, I would have married you...BUT I probably wouldn't have been happy" WOW. was I setting myself up for an unfaithful or broken marriage right from the start? was I REALLY that blind? was I really trying to tie down a guy who said forever...but only half meant it?
I wanted to go to church. I wanted my potential family to do the same, I wanted a priesthood holder. I.ENDED.THIS. so why cant i stick by it?
When I started dating .MR.C. I think I really hurt big.X's. feelings . I made the move. I broke it off, and I went after what I thought I wanted in a relationship. what I .THOUGHT. I deserved. and I changed my life around. I wanted to be good enough for it. I wanted to deserve what I new I deserved... but I think I went for it all too soon...I just ended up getting kicked in the face, and told "hey...I don't want you...I'm not ready to handle you" .AGAIN. and by the time I realized...I still love my ex fiance...he was long gone. so as dramatic as this all is...I'm done. I know if i had the chance to get either .c. or .x. back...I wouldn't be able to do it. one dropped me because I was trying to be different, one dropped me because I wasn't different enough. but the truth of it is, they .BOTH. dropped me because
.I. .wasn't .enough .to .make .them .stay.
6 comments:
listen...you were so much more than what they could handle. They left because they were realizing how truely amazing you are, and they couldn't keep up. You are enough. I love you!!!
you are worth it. Don't ever let anyone tell you are not. You will find a man you makes you be the best person you can be. A man who you are so proud to stand beside, A man who will spoil you emotionally, and who want what you want. Don't give up. it's worth it. I've been in your shoes. Just be the best person you can be.
just think maybe you do want it all. The best part is that you can get it. Don't settle for the guy that has some of the great qualities you want, YOU WANT AND DESERVE IT ALL!!. You always comment about how you run away, and how you are always running from things, maybe the thing about the marathon is that with all that running, it is nice to know where it ends. You are going on your trip (cringe I am still afraid but it is because i love you) you can figure out everything there. What you want, what you like, who you are and if nothing else, where you are running to, what your finish line is. Love your guts babe.
nope.. it's not that you weren't enough to make them stay-- they weren't enough to deserve to!
Rachel you are too good for anyone who doesn't think you're enough.
AND... I am also searching for a running mantra and I'm thinking of going with this one: "ooh boy you lookin' like you like whatcha see wontcha come over and check up on it, I'm gonna let you work up on it". Courtesy of Beyonce. pure gold.
then those guys are crazy, your too good for them! your a smart, sweet girl...also a hottie! dont be down on yourself;)
-andrea
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