.im.a.runner.but.not.like.you.think. - 2.DAYS.

disclosure!

- ha ha okay, this is a rant, read it if you want, I'm actually quite proud of it. it was very therapeutic. please comment it up! cheers. - .r.


3 days from this morning I am going to be waking up in a bed. there will be nobody beside me, and nobody around me. I'll look out my window...and I'll be somewhere I have never been before. a city I have never explored. and at one point...one point within those few minutes of me waking up...I'm going to think...what have I done?

I ran away. there are a million reasons that I left... I guess I'm catching on lately to the fact that, I'm a runner....I cant sit still. I haven't been in Calgary for more than 6 months at a time since I graduated from high school. the summer I graduated I was dating this guy, a great guy...I even thought I loved him, so when I decided to go to South America, it was hard, when I got back after 3 months, I felt like I didn't know him anymore, like I was different, everything in Calgary was different, and I missed the familiarity of Ecuador, I thought...run. so when we broke up, I went back to south America to work in orphanages for another 3 months. when I came back I started dating a guy that was awesome. beautiful even! ha ha but I still felt like I had change to accomplish, he said, stay and marry me, and I thought...run. so I went away to school looking for whatever it was I wanted to find.
I met .the.big.X. in Utah while I was going to school and we dated for about 3 months before my dad pulled me out of college and brought me home, because I wasn't doing the right things, I needed a "change of scenery" he hoped it would change me. but I still had no idea who I was, I was still in love with someone that I shouldn't be with...but what was so wrong with it? I hated every second I was in Calgary when I came back...so I ran...i ran and hid. I moved out of my house, got a day job, and a night job...and spent the rest of the time hazy...3 months I was like that. missing someone I loved, and sinking into this hole, because I didn't want to be where I was anymore. I felt...stuck.
the.big.X. came and helped me run away. he knew that i shouldn't be still that long, he knew I needed someone to pull me out of the hole I had dug, because I didn't have enough strength left to pull myself out to run away. we drove across the country. from Canada to Miami, I was there for one month, then....because I felt like I was missing something, I moved home to get a job and feel like i was contributing, I ran because I wanted to be home, but when I got home, I couldn't bring myself to stay, so I ran again. I moved to Waterton to work for a summer....3 months and I managed to destroy myself...again. I ran, and flew back to Florida at the end of the summer and drove back to Utah With Seth.
4 months. we lived there for 4 months. I got a dog, I tried to make a home...I got a nanny job, I tried to settle down. but I was still plagued by these demons...telling me to RUN AWAY. there were so many nights that my dad would call me...and I wanted to be like...DAD....I need to come home...can you fly me home? but I waited...I was still in love, I just wanted to be still. I wanted a ring on my finger, and a baby soon after...and I wanted to feel good about it...but I just couldn't.
I moved home when I got engaged in January and got so depressed, so terrified with where my future was going... I couldn't leave my job...I was there for 12 hours a day 7 days a week. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE....but I didn't want to be anywhere else. shoot, I was stuck again, and I had to run away. I ran to Utah a couple times. once to see my fiance, the other to give my ring back. that was when I decided that the fund that I had been paying into to get a great photographer at my wedding, would turn into my run fund for South America. summer came, and I managed to ruin a lot of things, I couldn't handle myself, I felt like I was going to drown if I messed one more thing up. I had to run, or I would destroy myself.
when the date of my wedding came, 6 months after I moved home, I ran away to Great falls with my mom and sisters. when I got back, I planned my next run, literally...to run DUBLIN.
I met Mr. C. WOW. I seriously thought I had lost my mind. I loved sitting still with him. I didn't feel like we needed to be planning our great escape, or which party to hit next...I just loved sitting beside him and feeling how calm he was. how happy he was at home. but my stomach still turned when we talked about living in Calgary, or how he hated travelling. I WANTED to hate travelling. I wanted to stay home with C, and watch my kids grow up in my back yard, and make cookies and take them to the same neighbors that we had had for 10 years....but my mind was always screaming RUN....YOU DON'T BELONG HERE. and I tried to fight it. I want to belong here. I wanted C. I wanted...that. but when I watched it start to fall apart, C didn't like my spirit, it wasn't for him, I lost it...I climbed back up onto my wall, and refused to come down. I booked my flight to S.A, and the whole time I thought...run.run.run. Its better this way...all you need is time...but... like, how many more times am I going to have to do this? how many more times am I going to have to run away instead of owning up to... myself? where else do i have to go to try and find myself? I don't want to hate myself anymore, hate what I'm not becoming. when am I going to figure out that running doesn't solve ME.
WHY.AM.I.GOING.TO.SOUTH.AMERICA.?.
the truth is that I don't know. I seem sure of it. I am sure of it, I am excited to see new things, I'm excited to get to know myself. I'm excited for SO MANY THINGS! this poat DOES NOT open up for people to say don't go. please don't say "don't go" anymore. I'm sick of hearing it.
I leave in 48 hours, I'm doing it...and it will be AMAZING. my greatest run yet. but I promised I would be honest: I am scared to lose what I have here in Calgary, maybe that's why I always end up here? I mean, I'm missing Christmas, my birthday, I'm leaving friends, I'm leaving family...I'm leaving what I know...to find out what It is I am, but I know I'll be back...well, I hope I will be back. and when I come back I hope that I never feel like I have to run again.


what do you do when you get scared? or mess up? or don't know what to do to fix broken things? when it all feels so hopeless, do you hide? do you man up? or do you bottle up? do you liquor up? do you sleep it off? do you cry it out? do you fight?or do you do what I do...

.RUN.

.R.